Monday, January 4, 2010

The Mohawk of Outrage

The goal of standardized gestures in elocution is clarity for both the sender and receiver. Few modern moves are more clear than The Mohawk of Outrage, which can be seen across the wide expanses of office cubes and public transportation.

The heel of the hand should be aligned with the temple 2-4” off of the head. Fingers should be spread apart, but with ease and without strain. The wrist should cock the hand slightly forward. Again, there should be no strain. Don’t try to make ‘angry hands’. The rage is articulated by position, not tension, and most people confuse ‘angry hands’ with ‘jazz hands’. If you are outraged, the last thing you need is your audience breathlessly awaiting a Bob Fosse routine.

It is also important that the hand never contact the head. This prevents confusion with the very passé Rooster Bang of Irritation or Eyepatch of Disdain.

If you find yourself deeply outraged, you may place your non-dominant hand in a mirror position, creating The Double Mohawk of Outrage.

Caution: this move is suitable for indoor use only. Attempts to execute this maneuver in the wild account for between zero and 27% of all hunting accidents in the U.S.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Cell Phone

Here we have “The Cell Phone”. Hand should hold the screen of the phone away from the body. Typically hand is raised at or above eye level to begin. Once eye contact is established with the audience, the device should be brought to a more easily viewed or heard position.

Particularly useful when things go south on a call, and you want other people in the room to share the moment. Do The Cell Phone, add The Shush

and switch to speaker phone. As with any combination maneuver, it is best to practice this a few times at home.

Also used to communicate important truths like, “Hey, I found that YouTube video I was telling you about” or “Here’s a tune especially for you.”

Note: if the tune is a Peter Gabriel ballad, congratulations! You have elevated your elocutionary tactics to include the “Say Anything 2k10”. 

Saturday, January 2, 2010

LOQtion 2k10: The Cheese

This begins a series of instructional helps for anyone interested in modern elocution techniques. Note the particular bent toward non-verbal communication. In today’s society, with earbuds and bluetooths, effective communication with the people you’re actually with looks more and more like a silent movie.

The Cheese

This gesture is used to display an item or items of visual interest. Items that are the same size as, or larger than, the hand may be placed directly on the fingertips. Smaller items can benefit from this presentation, but should first be placed on a tray or plate.

The hand must remain below the head, preferably waist to chest high; otherwise; it might be confused with an arcane move known as The Big Boy. Skilled practitioners of contemporary communication add a flourish of movement, ideally beginning on their non-dominant side and gracefully extending to their dominant side toward the audience. Typically reserved for items that are of special note, hence the name. What is more glorious than cheese?